The Fabulous Mitch Brothers
Revolutionary, groundbreaking, breathtaking, rump shaking; those were just some of the words used to describe those Fabulous Mitch Brothers.
Our story begins in the cornfields of Kansas in the summer of 1968. A terrible drought has gripped the Midwest, and turned the economy on its ear. Many farming communities are wilting in the hot summer sun. As the Supremes sing Like a Heatwave, locals curse their radios with a hearty, "Fuck you Diana Ross".
One town that has been hit particularly hard is the township of Lewistown. Lewistown was founded nearly 100 years earlier when a drunken J.D. Lewis, on his way to his home in nearby Lewisville, passed out in a roadside ditch. When J.D. awoke he decided to create a new town, a town that was closer to the saloon. Oddly enough, Lewisville was founded in much the same manner.
As farmers watched their profits wither away and die in the heat, townsfolk needed something to take their minds off of the desperate situation. Some people took up whittling, others tried heroin, but most could be found at the cornerstore. They gathered at the store to hear the sounds of joy, the sounds of togetherness, and the sounds of hope. Those sounds were emitted from the tender voice boxes of The Mitch Brothers.
The Mitch Brothers, Andy, Rich and Manny, were the sons of local farmers. Actually, Andy and Manny were brothers, Rich was an adopted child from the Dominican Republic. However, the children had grown up together and, despite Rich's dark complexion, they thought of him as part of the family.
As the young brothers worked in the fields, they passed the time by singing songs. Andy and Rich did most of the singing, while Manny played the drums on various animal carcasses. In the early days, the kids sang songs, which could be construed as juvenile. Their biggest hits included, My Thumb Tastes Kinda Salty, Oh Yeah I Picked My Nose and, Is That a Lincoln Log or a Turd, I Just Don't Know.
These songs, and the brothers, were instant hits with the neighborhood children. The Mitch Brothers, as they soon came to be known, would often put on free concerts in the cornfields. One of these concerts turned into a messy episode after a misunderstanding over some controversial lyrics. The Brothers were singing their new song, Ma It's Not That Cold, I Don't Need to Wear a Hat, and the crowd appeared to love it. Suddenly, one of the kids in the audience began swearing at The Mitch Brothers. The child said that the song was about gay bashing and that he didn't condone that sort of thing. The line which made the child upset was, "But skullcaps are for faggots". The Mitch Brothers momentarily stopped the performance and explained the meaning of the song. They also announced their support of the homosexual movement. Meanwhile, a couple of large kids beat the hell out of the kid who started the ruckus. The concert continued and the Brothers avoided a major controversy. None of the townsfolk seemed to mind that a child was beaten to death, he always seemed like kind of a Nancy boy anyway.
As their popularity grew, the Brothers began touring to various local towns. The family was too poor to afford a tour bus, so the boys used mopeds to commute to their gigs. Really, it was one moped driven by Rich, Andy and Manny rode along in a side car. The group's approval swelled tremendously as a result of these touring appearances.
The Brothers were welcomed with open arms in all of the local communities, with the exception of Gypsytown. Apparently, the good people of Gypsytown were offended when Andy referred to an audience member as a "swarthy asshole". The Brothers were booed from the stage and chased from Gypsytown by a brigade of Volkswagen vans. Andy and Rich escaped the incident unharmed. However, Manny suffered a mild concussion when a crystal ball, thrown from one of the vans, struck him on the left temple. Although Manny had a full recovery, from that day on he did uncontrollably urinate at the sight of a polar bear.
As the drought continued into the late summer, touring became too expensive for The Mitch Brothers. They moved their concerts indoors to the aforementioned cornerstore. Townspeople gathered everyday to listen to the Mitch Brothers and their music. During a performance of their hit song, I Think I Swallowed a Bumblebee, Andy realized what direction the band should take. Andy felt that the Brothers had a duty to uplift the spirits of the downtrodden community. He decided to study the themes of the old Negro spirituals and combine them with the sounds of the future. Together, The Mitch Brothers developed a style of music that would sweep the nation. By combining the themes of spirituals and the sounds of funk, the Brothers had a new sound, which they called Funktual.
They debuted their first Funktual at the cornerstore in July of 1968. The song, entitled Make Bad Ol' Satan Feel That Groove, was a huge hit with the locals. Lewistownites of all ages could be heard repeating the now world famous refrain, "Lucifer had a nightmare, and its name was Manny Mitch". A few weeks later, a recording of The Mitch Brothers, and their lively tune, reached the coast. Hollywood record producer Slick Rick Gooberstein heard the song and caught the next bus to Lewistown.
Six days later, Slick Rick had reached the small midwestern town. After stepping off the bus, it didn't take Rick very long to find the mop topped trio. He simply followed the swelling crowd and the girlish squeals of delight. The crowd was swelling because earlier that day, Roscoe the Hornet Farmer, in an alcoholic haze, accidentally tipped over one of his boxes setting a swarm of hornets loose over the tiny community. The squeals were coming from the young girls of Lewistown. The girls' names were Dorothy and Dorothea. Dorothy had a huge crush on Rich; she loved his dreadlocks, while Manny was the object of Dorothea's affections. Andy, the tortured genius behind the groups' music, was quite unlucky in love considering that both girls in town were dating his brothers.
When Slick Rick made his way to the cornerstore, the Brothers were playing their old favorite, I Think I Swallowed a Bumblebee. Only this time the words rang true, it seems that Rich had swallowed one of Roscoe's hornets. When the boys finished their jam session, Slick Rick introduced himself and expressed his desire to represent the band. He went back to the Mitch family farmhouse that evening in order to meet the parents of this fabulous trio. After dinner, Slick Rick and Clem Mitch, the boys' father, discussed the future of the band. Meanwhile, Mrs. Mitch, her first name was actually Mrs., sat in the dark under the kitchen table and chewed her toenails. She wasn't so much nervous as hungry. The Mitches were on a strict budget, and after feeding Clem and three growing boys, there wasn't much food left for Mrs.
By the end of the evening, the two men had hammered out a deal. Slick Rick and Mr. Mitch had agreed to a management contract. Rick would get a 15% cut as the groups' agent, and would also receive 75% as a management fee. Everyone involved was pleased with the arrangement, and the town was abuzz (no pun intended) with the news. The next day, Mr. Mitch released this two sentence statement to the press, "Slick Rick seems like a man of his word, and that's good enough for this Mitch. Put your sock on Mama, we're havin' steak tonight".
Slick Rick immediately canceled the Brothers' performances at the cornerstore. He booked them on a two week tour of county fairs and pie eating contests. Rick also changed the name of the band to The Fabulous Mitch Brothers.
The changes were considered a sign of arrogance among the towns' elders, but the boys went unfazed. After returning from the tour, where the daily meal consisted of canned yams and a slice of pumpernickel, the boys headed off to the studio. Under the watchful eye and strong hand of Slick Rick, The Fabulous Mitch Brothers cut their first album in only three hours.
The record, titled These Boots Were Made for Funkin', immediately shot to the top of the charts. The song, Gonna Make My Way to Heaven With a Honey on My Hand, gave the Mitch Brothers their first #1 single. Now that the talent of the Brothers was recognized nationwide, Slick Rick decided to give the trio some celebrity perks.
First off, he purchased matching sequin jumpsuits for the boys, and then he bought each of the boys a sewing loom. Rick felt that while the boys were on tour they could pass the down time by sewing T-shirts, sweaters, and other Fabulous Mitch Brothers merchandise. Rick further rewarded the Brothers by increasing their daily food allowance to two cans of yams and a slice of pumpernickel.
Three weeks after releasing their first album, the group released their second album. The second album, titled We're Sick of Eating Yams, coincided with the introduction of The Fabulous Mitch Brothers' handmade line of apparel. We're Sick of Eating Yams was ripped by critics who said that the record lacked the passion and originality of the first album. The Brothers had abandoned their Funktual roots and adopted a kind of whinny, crybaby type of sound. This whinny sound was particularly evident in the single Slick Rick Beats Me Like a Pack Mule.
Despite the lack of critical acclaim, sales of We're Sick of Eating Yams remained high. The fans apparently liked the new sound as much as they liked the original. The single My Hands are Bleeding rocketed to #1 just days after its release. There was even talk of a Mitch Brothers movie.
The group embarked on a grueling 21 day, 23 city tour. They played such hallowed venues as Fenway Park, The Kennedy Center, and The Bronx Zoo. The Fabulous Mitch Brothers were particularly excited to play The Bronx Zoo. However, what started as a dream gig, ended in a hellish nightmare which the Brothers would never forget.
For the Bronx Zoo concert, the group performed on a makeshift stage adjacent to the polar bear exhibit. Over 17,000 adoring fans gathered to witness the performance. The front row was reserved for 120 orphans and the nuns who cared for them. The performance was going great until Manny Mitch caught a glimpse of the polar bears out of the corner of his eye. Unable to control himself, due to his injury in Gypsytown, Manny proceeded to shower the front row in a downpour of urine. Three of the nuns were hospitalized due to the trauma, and a number of orphans suffered from severe shock. Later that evening, one of the nuns died due to complications from a rare skin rash. Eight year old Manny Mitch was arrested for first degree murder.
To avoid the media controversy, Slick Rick Gooberstein caught the first bus back to Hollywood. Andy and Rich were left to hitchhike back to Lewistown, and Manny was sentenced to a death by public stoning.
After reaching their hometown, Rich was ashamed to show his face in public. He retreated to the family farm, never again would he leave the property. He took a vow of silence and lived a calm and very quiet life.
Andy, frustrated by the group's demise, paid a visit to Marge, the town whore, in an effort to let off some steam. Three days later, Andy released his first solo album titled, Marge Has the Clap. In an effort to protect her public image, Marge purchased all 800 copies of the album. However, Andy was still under contract with Rick Gooberstein who collected 90% of the profits. After paying Slick Rick and other expenses, Andy had made a staggering $3.15 for his efforts.
Encouraged by his ability as a solo artist, Andy left the family farm and moved to Hollywood, California. After a short stint as a migrant worker, Andy settled into a prosperous career as a sitcom theme writer.
To this day, Slick Rick Gooberstein remains a high powered Hollywood agent, and he flatly denies ever having any relationship with The Fabulous Mitch Brothers.
