4:45 Am: I awaken to the sound of passing sirens. My head is throbbing from the effects of the bachelor party I had attended the night before. The stop sign on the corner is getting married, so the boys and I took him out to paint the town red. I told the kid that he's making a mistake but he just doesn't want to hear it. Oh well, I guess you've gotta support your friends.
4:51 Am: I fall back asleep and have a dream about frolicking in a corn field with cocker spaniel puppies.
6:32 Am: I am awakened once again. This time it is caused by the smell of sizzling bacon from the diner across the street. Every morning my mouth waters at the smell of that sweet, sweet bacon. And not once has someone brought so much as a sliver across the street for me, those fuckers!
8:17 Am: A French poodle pisses on me. However, it's a cold morning so the warm piss isn't completely unwelcome.
10:06Am: An alcoholic midget named Kenny has a conversation with a friend about Demi Moore's breasts. After the conversation, Kenny pisses on me.
11:24Am: A small fire breaks out at an electronics store on my block. It's an exciting time for me because this is the first action I've seen in over three years. Two engines quickly showed up to fight the blaze. As one of the firefighters reached for my nozzle, I could sense that three years of yearning was about to come to an end. And I gotta tell you, I popped a screaming hard on. The blaze was quickly defused and I had once again fulfilled my role as a public servant. This was the eighth fire that I have assisted in putting out a fire and not once have those prima dona firemen given me so much as a pat on the back, those fuckers!
11:51Am: Still riding cloud nine from the fire at the electronics store, a German shepherd comes by and literally rains all over my parade.
12:30Pm: It's lunchtime and I still haven't eaten. I am fucking hungry as shit. To add to my frustration, a construction worker drops a ham sandwich in the gutter in front of me. Unfortunately, I have no hands. The ham sandwich and my lingering hunger serve as cruel reminders of my demented handless body.
2:41 Pm: An otherwise uneventful afternoon is spiced up by the appearance of television legend Tony Randall. Mr. Randall stepped out of a cab and, in an odd turn of events, immediately dropped his pants and pissed on me. After his arching, golden flow stopped, he zipped up and stepped back into the cab.
5:58 Pm: It's now dinnertime and I'm still hungry. Sadly enough, still no food and still no hands.
7:17 Pm: This day really sucks my nut sack because it's after seven and I'm missing the Good Times rerun that comes on every night. I usually watch it on the TVs in the window of the electronics store but the fire this morning caused the owner to close the shop for the rest of the day. I'm bored out of my God damned mind.
9:33 Pm: A pot bellied pig pisses on me. Yeah, a pot bellied pig! I mean, what the Fuck!
10:42Pm: A street pimp, I think his name is Rodney, gets in a screaming match with one of his hoes. Apparently, the hoe has blown a large wad of Rodney's cash on crack and Funyions. Rodney is none too pleased by this, and pimpslaps the hoe across the face. The hoe is forced backward and into me. She flips over me and lands head first on the sidewalk behind me. A loud thud is heard as her head hits the pavement and blood begins pouring out. Two other whores and a Korean grocer rush to the hoe's aid. While the Korean grocer is out of his store, a band of hooligans raid his small grocery. They leave with sacks of pork rinds and nudey magazines by the armful. Rodney is last seen calmly strutting down the street.
11:05Pm: Paramedics finally arrive to administer aid to the hoe. A twenty three minute response time may seem a bit inadequate, but when the announcement over the radio is, "Pimp pushes crack whore over fire hydrant, possible skull fracture", any response under half an hour is impressive. Thankfully, the hoe's skull was only bruised and the paramedics were able to stop the bleeding. They do, however, take her to the hospital for observation. After loading the hoe into the ambulance, one of the paramedics pisses on me.
12:37Pm: A wino sits down on the curb next to me. This guy stinks severely. He smells like ass. Actually, he smells like a barrel full of asses. He is drinking a seemingly potent beverage out of a small metal flask. After the day I've had, I could sure use a drink. But Sir Stinkslikeass doesn't even offer me so much as one swig, the fucker!
1:14 Am: I complete my nightly routine of twenty sit ups and twenty push ups. I brush my teeth and hit the sack, sure to dream of cornfields and puppies.
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